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> Why can't I fix me?
redroze
post Aug 10, 2012, 03:34 AM
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I'm not new here, not exactly. It's only about, oh, 4 years since I've written anything here smile.gif So I know how this went in the past, but am unsure about now...

I am a 24 year old woman who just graduated with a 4 year degree in December with a beautiful 5 year old daughter and an amazing -- most of the time -- fiance whom I am marrying in September. Why am I here prattling on about not being able to fix myself? Simple really. I am a freaking load of messes!

I am a former -- and I say former with all hesitation because as of late I have been feeling some twinges -- drug addict, drug dealer, cutter, suicide attempter, and all sorts of things.

I have extreme depression and have recently been semi- diagnosed with bipolar but those are mere labels to thing that is me. I hate myself, on literally all fronts. I can't stand the way I look, the way I act, my nails, my eyes, my body, my face, my hair my ect ect until this whole post is filled!

My fiance tells me he loves me, and for some reason ( I'm actually aware of the reason ) I can't believe him. I know it's a self esteem thing, I don't believe myself worthy and all that blah blah but I can't fix myself, therefore I am pushing him away.

Now, he considers himself a bit of a sociopath -- but for that time of extreme crying but that's another story really -- so he thinks that he can handle all my problems and my yelling and my pushing him away logically. I don't think he can anymore, I think that after a year and half of it it's getting to him and he's going to leave me or give up on convincing me.

How do I fix me? Pills don't seem to work, I have tried a vast majority. Counselors I have also used a plethora. Talking, yelling, cutting (which I've recently gotten back into,much to his dismay) drugs and alcohol all aside... it doesn't work.

Quick-condensed-though-it's-a-little-late-version? I just need help to like me, so that he can keep loving me.
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GodConsciousness
post Aug 10, 2012, 10:33 AM
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exercise, exercise, exercise and great food can do absolute wonders!
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redroze
post Aug 10, 2012, 01:16 PM
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QUOTE(GodConsciousness @ Aug 10, 2012, 08:33 AM) *

exercise, exercise, exercise and great food can do absolute wonders!

I know that I used to exercise, was in a contest, and it did make me feel.... not happy but I suppose it exhausted me so I actually slept a little and started feeling slightly happy about myself.
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-J-
post Aug 21, 2012, 09:11 PM
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Dear Redroze

After reading your post I truly believe for a person with such a past, you have already started the fixing process, you just cant see it.

If you truly have been the type of person you have described, how on earth did you complete a four year degree course????
Why hasnt the state removed your child?
How can you have been in a steady relationship for this length of time???

It seems quite obvious to me, in your search for answers, you were met by labels, psychological evaluations telling you what you already knew, self righteous "betters" telling you, you're a classic case of ...blah,blah,blah and so you fit into "this pigeon hole" and people like you respond to ............blah,blah,blah

This has only further enraged you, as they haven't got a clue.

Every single human being on this planet is unique.
What worked for one person will not necessarily work for the next person along the road.

Just because you have shown similar traits to people who are in "self destruct mode", ask yourself a simple question :

How many of them have achieved what you have done and come out the other side with a degree and a family?

You are ignoring just how hard you have worked. I dont know you from Eve, but I do recognise a person who despite her young age is helping herself out of her problems through sheer determination and damned hard graft.

Your little "lapse" back to what you once used as a measurement of pain/life (self mutilation) is a very natural process of someone going through this on their own. Even though it seems incredulous to most people, the familiarity of it becomes easy to accept. It helped you before and so when you feel abandoned again, it's the first port of call for you.

Don't worry about that part, it just shows your absolutely in control of that issue.

We all have periods of time in our lives when "the **** hits the fan" and at the time, all advice is dismissed because there's no way anyone has been through what you are going through, so how the **** should they know? Oh yes, they might have had similar events, but not excatly the same as you. They all mean well but they don't understand at all.

There is no real easy blah,blah,blah number of steps to follow to reach your goal, there is however a method of achieving it : Self Belief, believe in your inner strength.

You obviously have an abundance of it, stop thinking about "fixing" you, maybe you should accept you, just for you!

Take care young lady, the world is a better place with you in it - I only wish you could see it and belive it to be true.

-J-


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redroze
post Aug 23, 2012, 08:59 PM
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Sheer determination. That's the only way I got as far as I have, the degree and my child and all that. I gave everything up when I became pregnant and.. have been fighting inside ever since.

Dang posts going and making me teary eyed while I'm trying to have a rational conversation smile.gif

Thank you, honestly. It is a matter of believing in myself, and doing that has been the problem I suppose. Last night my fiance asked me if I thought that being institutionalized would help. I was angry at first and then he explained his reasons. Getting away from the stress to concentrate on me etc. I suppose it makes sense but I could never walk away from my daughter, could never let her live knowing that her mother was one of those "crazy people".

And don't I just wish there were step by step instructions. Until then I'm floundering around trying desperately to stop self-hating.

He started limited the amount I can cut, I believe he understand my "need" for it sometimes and while he believes it's not going to help in the long run. doesn't know how to make me stop or to handle the fact that I get so out of control sometimes that I can't stop. Maybe it will help wean me? Or force me to stop by knowing that he knows what I'm doing when I do it, and the simple fact is cutting is a huge embarrassment to me.

Maybe simply talking things through helps, though God knows I've tried numerous counselors and the like and haven't gotten anywhere but different pills that don't help whatsoever.

Believing in myself?... I believe I'm wrong, that's a belief right? lol..
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-J-
post Aug 24, 2012, 06:46 AM
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Young Lady,
The subject of cutting is very close to my heart, having emigrated for 14yrs I returned to find a family member going through exactly what you are experiencing (although her circumstances were far more dire than yours).

She explained in graphic detail her reasoning and it all made perfect sense, for her, all she needed was a person who did not condemn her for her actions and who wasn't a pre-paid individual within the health system.

I stayed with her for about a year and during that period she lapsed only once. She asked if I could witness the act and be there for her. She knew of my medical training and thusly asured herself if anything went wrong I was there to ensure her safety.

Believe me I have seen horrific things in my life, especially whilst serving in the armed forces, so the fact I was calm all the way through the procedure, it helped immensely. I didn't try to stop her or try to curtail her in any manner shape or form, I was simply there for her.

It has been almost ten years since this event and she has only lapsed twice, a world away from her almost weekly/monthly ritual when it was at its height.

It is a lifelong struggle for her as the circumstances that precipitated this lifestyle have not abaited. She like you is embarrassed about it, but in hindsight she has come to understand its not the actual act that is abhorrent, its the preceeding events in her mind that trigger the episodes. Over time she has learned to identify with the triggers and in doing so has realised if she can stop them from flourishing to a bitter and inevitable conclusion, she takes herself away from those thoughts using various methods.

Sometimes she just puts on her music to change the negative vibe to a positive one, sometimes she expresses herself verbally to release the pressure, sometimes she just envelops herself with her children and their needs. For her its easy now, but to begin with it was hell for her. Identifying the seeds of negativity/doubt and not allowing them to flourish she has become in control instead of being controlled.

If you require a totally neutral person to whom you wish to converse/confide with (digitally only) then please feel free to contact me on this media or via email if that suits you better.

Having had the life experience life has chosen to show me ( I am a proud parent of three beautiful girls ) you will find, like so many others, I can help, but only if you allow it.

Take care and always remember, the world is a better place with you in it.

-J-
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redroze
post Aug 25, 2012, 03:01 AM
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Thank you. It's true, figuring out you're triggers and what you can distract yourself with helps. For awhile it was the drugs and alcohol a a distraction and now its my daughter. So during the day I'm pretty ok, I have to be ya know? It's at night...

I don't know what I need honestly. I know what triggers it, pretty much everything smile.gif And I try to distract myself with sex or music or writing or games online and sometimes it works. Sometimes just talking is enough. I guess I feel that even if I stop myself from cutting it hasn't solved all my problems.

Cutting is a big one, mainly (in my opinion) because its the one my daughter can find on my body while we're playing and I don't want her to understand someday. But everything else, the self esteem and panic attacks and all that are still going to be there.

I guess I'm more worried abut helping that part of me? I don't know. But I also don't want to bother you smile.gif so any time you feel my rambling is annoying.. it's alright to stop responding..
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post Aug 25, 2012, 09:28 AM
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QUOTE(redroze @ Aug 25, 2012, 09:01 AM) *

But I also don't want to bother you smile.gif so any time you feel my rambling is annoying.. it's alright to stop responding..


Young Lady,

Please do not have any reservations on that issue at all

In a bid to fully understand this issue, as much information from people who actually do it, rather than academics was gathered and a possible conclusion is as follows :

The individual is manifesting the psychological pain/stress/anguish/pressure they cannot release through circumstances beyond there own sphere of influence, into physical pain.

Thus they attain an actual release, knowing full well of its implications and negative/derogatory issues that inevitably arise.

The scar becomes a physical symbol of the inner turmoil, (most of them are hidden as it's the individuals private pain) the scars become for all intents and purposes, markers of intense negative periods within their lives.

The scars are not the problem, the physical cutting is not the problem, they are results of the process.
The problem is the circumstances/environment the individual has found themselves in.

Feeling trapped by external elements such as : arranged marriages, peer pressure, unwanted/unexpected pregnancy, abandonedment, destitution, addiction etc...

Leading to internal elements such as : lowered immunity, mental stress, irregular sleeping patterns, bi-polar activity, violent outbursts etc.....

Some have the ability remove themselves from their immediate environment : this alone can be enough.
Those without the ability to remove themselves : persist as they are not allowed to have their issues addressed.

The vast majority were/are unable to move.

This doesn't mean they are incapable of help or being helped.

Pharmaceuticals are often prescribed : to such an extent : people believe the solution to their problems can be chemically balanced.

Therapy : the new word for a private conversation : comes at a price : literally.

A possible answer is :

Recognise it's not you at fault, there are things you cannot change but have to deal with on a daily basis.

No matter how bad it gets, circumstances/environment can NEVER take away who you really are.

You and everyone else in this world knows who they really are : no-one else exists within you : its your mind.

The saying "I may be trapped here physically, but my mind and soul are free" is a possible statement of fact.

YOU just have to believe you can achieve this and still function in your everyday environment. It truly IS that simple, to such an extent people refuse it to be.

Millions of people around the world do it everyday and have done it for almost all our lives, so you KNOW it can be done.

Do not fall prey to " yeah, but not everyone is like .........blahblahblah"

Yes they are, we all are : HUMAN

Humans can and do achieve miracles EVERYDAY, you're human, you can achieve anything you want in your mind, believe in yourself.

Do you remember this : Sheer determination. That's the only way I got as far as I have ?????????

The very first words you ever wrote to me in this thread. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you remember this : you have already started the fixing process, you just cant see it.

Need I say anymore?

Take care :-)

-J-
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redroze
post Aug 26, 2012, 12:44 AM
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Determination is def. what's holding me here so far lol..

I have tried the whole sending myself elsewhere as a distraction but I just. I don't know, I'm not easily distracted I suppose.

Like I said I use my daughter, which sounds bad but lately.. I'm kind of worried about her. She doesn't throw fits, she is in all honesty an amazing child but she's been so emotional lately. I am worried that she's getting some of me, or already has some of what I am.

I feel like admitting that I need help other than myself is kind of a step towards fixing myself. Or ya know, maybe just learning to love me?

I guess I'd have to accept everything I was/am and that's whats going to be difficult.
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-J-
post Aug 26, 2012, 08:29 AM
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Dear Young Lady,

It's good to see you are beginning to open yourself to the process you began a long time ago.

As for the actions of your daughter, may I offer an explanation ?

She has existed for a relative short period of time in relation to you. Throughout her entire lifespan, she has been exposed to only one constant environment : You !

As a child you automatically copy the behavioural patterns of those around you, actions/reactions/mannerisms/language/emotions etc..........

She can't act any differently as she does not have the experience of other environments from which she can draw any comparison.

If raised in a tumultuous environment, a child will express themselves in a likewise matter or become so withdrawn they never get a chance to see the beauty of life.

If raised in a stable and loving environment, a child will express themselves in a similar manner.

It matters not if the child is raised by both or a single parent, the result is the same.

You state : I am worried that she's getting some of me, or already has some of what I am.

She is all you, she is becoming what you are : as she cannot be anything else.

There is nothing inherently wrong with that at all, you're on the mend and when this temporary period of your lives is over and you have become more settled, so will she !

She is your "rock" to coin a phrase, the anchor that stablises you, infuriates you, gives you solace and LOVES you UNCONDITIONALLY !

You are very lucky to have her in your life.

I see a common thread throughout this discussion : because of your past you truly believe that you cannot be loved.
You feel you do not deserve to have such a wonderous element in your life after being "the bad girl"

Please answer the following questions :

Do you believe your child loves you ?
Do you believe your fiancé loves you ?
Do you love your daughter ?
Do you love your fiancé ?

If answered truthfully I think you will find you are four out of four on the side of love.

Now to touch on a separate issue, you have stated : I gave everything up when I became pregnant and.. have been fighting inside ever since.

This is an attempt for you to rationalise the stage of your life when you HAD to do something that wasn't just for you.

How on earth can you have any animosity towards the very element that has for all intents and purposes probably saved your life.

If you had carried on in the "bad girl" environment, where do you think you'd be now?
I would hate to hazzard a guess, but you know what is implied!

You have a chance at having it all - loving environment/stable relationship/family and an opportunity to see your daughter grow up into a beautiful woman who will never repeat your mistakes.

The choices you make now, will resonate throughout your and your daughters life.

Give yourself the chance, give your daughter a chance, give your fiancé a chance.

Take life with both hands, heart, spirit, mind, body and soul and please accept the following :

Dwelling on past transgressions will only lead to their reprise
You are not what you used to be
Life has given you an opportunity
What you can be is up to you

Take care, the world IS a better place with you in it.

-J-
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redroze
post Sep 14, 2012, 12:52 AM
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Thank you smile.gif sorry it took me forever to respond, we've been a little busy!

I don't know if I can truly say that he loves me.. I mean on one hand I know he does but my self esteem gets in the way and I want to say no, why would he?

As for Lindzy, I know she does.. She's also doing a bit better so that's good.

Been going through some crazy patches lately, feeling really down. My headaches are starting back up, I just feel like I'm trying really really hard to do and be whats right and even though I am... I can't get anywhere but practically room surfing with my daughter and my fiance.
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redroze
post Sep 14, 2012, 12:57 AM
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On this note.. I would honestly like some honest feedback... Would you mind?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCQe9yz0FYs&feature=plcp
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P JayS
post Sep 14, 2012, 11:21 AM
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QUOTE(redroze @ Sep 13, 2012, 09:57 PM) *

On this note.. I would honestly like some honest feedback... Would you mind?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCQe9yz0FYs&feature=plcp

Roze perhaps you should cut records! Your a good singer.

i'm am bi-polar. Lithium helps me not to go too low or too high. Lithium is a natural salt that the body needs trace elements of. My wife used to tell me that she loved me until the overall circumstance of our lives seemed to end her feelings for me and she through me out forcing me to leave her and three young children behind.

When you get married life can get more complicated with finances particularly. Pressure from lack of money could make you think of dealing drugs again. That may lead to cutting yourself.

Try the lithium and see if this helps you. You may need a therapudic dose that's right for you. I believe that everyone needs a certain dose of lithium. People who have it in their drinking water seem to have less mental problems.

I used to wonder how anyone could love me but lately in my loneliness i have come to understand better. i should have believed my wife when she showed me that she loved me and allowed our lives to progress from our financial difficulties among other things in my case.

Most of the people i know are dealing with something. Nobody is perfect not even your boyfriend. Do you love him? If you do then why not concentrate on making him happy as his wife? Sing to him that should work for a while.

Peter
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post Sep 14, 2012, 01:12 PM
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Dear Roze

Even though you pre-emptively state in the description your mic is less than perfect, it takes nothing at all away from your voice.

The pitch at the start of the chorus (every time) and in the entirity of the last verse, expresses the feeling you are putting into the piece. Real emotions come steadily through and its easy to recogise them.

You obviously have talent, but I hear hesitation and frustration, it seems as if you want to be able to sing through and allow your voice to reach its potential, but for some reason you don't allow your voice to shine like you know it can.

A transference which will subside when situations within your domestic sphere reach an equilibrium.

The choice of song gives me reason to address another facet of your life. As the very first song you have introduced yourself to the world, its based upon a negative but very contemporary theme : namely the inability to change a situation.

This being a song to show you can sing? Or another way of expressing disharmony in your own life?

Whichever it may be, if you choose to share your talent again, please consider singing a song that makes YOU feel good about life, one that makes you want to dance. I am sure you will find, as so many other arists before you, music is therapeutical in releasing stress.

I for one would love to hear another song

-J-

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redroze
post Sep 14, 2012, 01:42 PM
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Well first of all thank you. I have always loved singing, I'm just extremely shy and have never really tried. My fiance actually forced me into this lol.

I actually talked too my doctor, thinking it might be bipolar disorder but he wasn't sure so he prescribed a low dose of lithium and citolapram. Talking to a new doctor, I moved, she took me off everything because she said we didn't know for sure what was wrong and citolapram can actually cause physce breaks if you're bipolar. News to me lol. We're looking at all my past records and loooking into talking to a therapist to diagnose for sure.

I tried a therapist, but news to me, I'm apparently not bad off enough to get help lol.

Peter- I'm really sorry, for everything you've been through, but I'm glad that it sounds you're. Coming to terms with it all. Unless of course you're masking what you feel, but I'm just really suspicious. =) do you get to see your children at least?

I believe what you're saying, that I should concentrate on this and start believing, its just so damn hard, as you wellknow. I have gotten back into the cutting, notmuch or bad but a little. As for the dealing, I moved out of the area and in with my inlaws :/ yikes, to escape just that.

Being here is also pressure in and of itself, them basically saying I'm a bad mother and looking at me as the girl I used to be. I feelthey don't care about my daughter, their soon to beat the end of this month grandaughter, and I don't, no I won't ever let her feel like less than.

As for song choice, yeah... probably it was chosen partly asa representation of how stuck I feel.. I'm currently trying to decideon the next one =)
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P JayS
post Sep 14, 2012, 01:53 PM
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QUOTE(redroze @ Sep 14, 2012, 10:42 AM) *

Well first of all thank you. I have always loved singing, I'm just extremely shy and have never really tried. My fiance actually forced me into this lol.

I actually talked too my doctor, thinking it might be bipolar disorder but he wasn't sure so he prescribed a low dose of lithium and citolapram. Talking to a new doctor, I moved, she took me off everything because she said we didn't know for sure what was wrong and citolapram can actually cause physce breaks if you're bipolar. News to me lol. We're looking at all my past records and loooking into talking to a therapist to diagnose for sure.

I tried a therapist, but news to me, I'm apparently not bad off enough to get help lol.

Peter- I'm really sorry, for everything you've been through, but I'm glad that it sounds you're. Coming to terms with it all. Unless of course you're masking what you feel, but I'm just really suspicious. =) do you get to see your children at least?

I believe what you're saying, that I should concentrate on this and start believing, its just so damn hard, as you wellknow. I have gotten back into the cutting, notmuch or bad but a little. As for the dealing, I moved out of the area and in with my inlaws :/ yikes, to escape just that.

Being here is also pressure in and of itself, them basically saying I'm a bad mother and looking at me as the girl I used to be. I feelthey don't care about my daughter, their soon to beat the end of this month grandaughter, and I don't, no I won't ever let her feel like less than.

As for song choice, yeah... probably it was chosen partly asa representation of how stuck I feel.. I'm currently trying to decideon the next one =)

Roze, thank-you for the fellow feeling. I see two of my children often. One has moved out of the area and sticks to his new relationship with a young woman. We all don't hear from him that often. I am hoping to see them soon.

At first (10 yrs ago) our relationships were strained. But now we all talk together much freer.

Peter
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redroze
post Sep 14, 2012, 05:26 PM
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That's really good smile.gif I know that my dad left when I was 2, and if he had tried to have a relationship I would have been all over it once I got older. But alas lol he's not into that.

Anyways, It's awesome that you get to see them. I knnow that people talk about family being there when you're younger but I think it can make just as much of a difference when you're older as well.
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P JayS
post Sep 15, 2012, 06:46 AM
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Roze, my two sons are 28 and 26. They work in a grocery store and a call centre respectively. My daughter is 20 and works at a coffee shop. Now that they are older and working they appreciate their mother and father more.

You are only 24 so you are old enough to be a child of mine. So i would like to ask you if could arrange your affairs so that you could go to work if you don't have a job now. A job could help keep you distracted from your personal life as you concentrate on the welfare of your employer.

Just an idea.

Peter
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redroze
post Sep 16, 2012, 03:40 AM
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Oh gosh I would love to find a job. Honestly lol its one of the reason my fiance and I having so many problems. But where we are I guess, and I thought this move was a good idea.... But we haven.t been able to find anything. He has a part time job that is hardly giving us enough to pay bills and we're not even paying rent right now.

I have applied literally everywhere and I cant even get a job at MCDS or Walmart with my four year degree. I have honestly started feeling like I should just leave that part out and maybe I'd get hired!
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post Sep 16, 2012, 06:25 AM
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QUOTE(redroze @ Sep 16, 2012, 12:40 AM) *

Oh gosh I would love to find a job. Honestly lol its one of the reason my fiance and I having so many problems. But where we are I guess, and I thought this move was a good idea.... But we haven.t been able to find anything. He has a part time job that is hardly giving us enough to pay bills and we're not even paying rent right now.

I have applied literally everywhere and I cant even get a job at MCDS or Walmart with my four year degree. I have honestly started feeling like I should just leave that part out and maybe I'd get hired!

I hope that you are able to find something to work at. When i was going with my girlfriend my parents allowed her to move in with us when we were going to get married too rent free. She didn't get a job. We got married and later she had our firstborn as we lived with my parents. But i got a job washing windows. i didn't have a job at first either. Eventually i started a business of my own. It is a good paying trade. Perhaps your boyfriend could learn to wash windows in his spare time. I am willing to help give you some window washing tips if he is interested.

i gave my friend a $20,000 dollar a year 2 day per week part-time window route for a wedding gift. His wife was a part-time dental assistant. Together they made a good income. Window washing is something that many couples do together. If you own your own business you can take your child with you sometimes when they're not in school for instance.

Peter

PS if you want to see where we all lived go to this link to view the old house we lived in. http://fullcirclerealty.ca/Hantsport/22_Wi...property258.php
My brother and sisters have the house for sale now. i have mixed emotions about it.
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redroze
post Sep 17, 2012, 08:13 PM
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Oh I understand that. If my grandparents sold our house id probably be... I don't know about that lol. Window washing is a really good idea! Thank you for the idea. So far we've just been applying everywhere, with me its difficult coz' every job wants you to have a four year degree, which I have, and years and years of expirience, which I can't get because I couldn't ever do an intern. I dontwant to blame lindzy because its not her fault, but I could never do any, they were in multiple states over and.. ya know, difficult. Steven is trying to convince me to actively do the youtube music thing, get it going.
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P JayS
post Oct 06, 2012, 08:03 AM
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Hw are you doing Roze? Did you get married yet?
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redroze
post Nov 01, 2012, 02:16 PM
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QUOTE(P JayS @ Oct 06, 2012, 06:03 AM) *

Hw are you doing Roze? Did you get married yet?

We did =) gosh I've been so busy, I apologize its taken me so damn long to answer! Its been...eh lol. The wedding was great, he was amazing, the two day honeymoon not so muchlol but whatev, its a memory.

So I now have a job, though its a little hard coz of my medical problems and its kind of embarrassing coz I went to school to avoid a walmart job but eh. Steven has two, and he should be in basic by this summer..

So what's my problem? Steven thinks I have a split physce lol, not personalities but that a part of me doesn't want to get better so that part strikes at me when I try. I doont know how I feel about that though it makes sense.

What's wrong???? Me. That's what's wrong. I have already had a huge hard core tell him I'm leaving and our marriage was a mistake fight, part of me wants to go even though I know I love him and lindzy loves him and its the best place for her. Maybe I feel this need to provethat I don't need him when emotionally... I do.

The scary realization I've come to is that I don't think ill ever get better unless I do an inpatient thing somewhere where all I focus on is me and getting ME better, but I can't do that to lindzy even if later it'll be better.

What prompted me to use my llunch break to write this? Sheer desperation? Because I just wanted.. no I needed to feel enough, to feel wanted, and his lunch hour got changed and that, sucked.

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P JayS
post Nov 15, 2012, 08:24 AM
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QUOTE(redroze @ Nov 01, 2012, 11:16 AM) *

QUOTE(P JayS @ Oct 06, 2012, 06:03 AM) *

Hw are you doing Roze? Did you get married yet?

We did =) gosh I've been so busy, I apologize its taken me so damn long to answer! Its been...eh lol. The wedding was great, he was amazing, the two day honeymoon not so muchlol but whatev, its a memory.

So I now have a job, though its a little hard coz of my medical problems and its kind of embarrassing coz I went to school to avoid a walmart job but eh. Steven has two, and he should be in basic by this summer..

So what's my problem? Steven thinks I have a split physce lol, not personalities but that a part of me doesn't want to get better so that part strikes at me when I try. I doont know how I feel about that though it makes sense.

What's wrong???? Me. That's what's wrong. I have already had a huge hard core tell him I'm leaving and our marriage was a mistake fight, part of me wants to go even though I know I love him and lindzy loves him and its the best place for her. Maybe I feel this need to provethat I don't need him when emotionally... I do.

The scary realization I've come to is that I don't think ill ever get better unless I do an inpatient thing somewhere where all I focus on is me and getting ME better, but I can't do that to lindzy even if later it'll be better.

What prompted me to use my llunch break to write this? Sheer desperation? Because I just wanted.. no I needed to feel enough, to feel wanted, and his lunch hour got changed and that, sucked.

Will i get married or not? i have to decide for one or the other. I will get married. And so i do. Now as i fumble through life early in my marriage i wonder if i did the right thing.

You are normal Roze for wondering if you did the right thing. You don't need to be fixed about that. i advise you to be patient and see how things continue to work out for little Lindzy. Little people just want some sort of normal life too.

You don't want to be totally selfish and you show me that you are not. Remember your art of music. Maybe put your feelings down on paper as you consider developing a closer relationship with God who loves you and is the third person in your marriage arrangement by the promises you made to your husband and those he made to you. God will help you even in ways that you may not understand very well.
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P JayS
post Nov 17, 2012, 01:30 PM
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Roze does this song relate to you and your new husband any?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rgje3cLLcCU
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redroze
post Nov 25, 2012, 04:48 AM
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QUOTE(P JayS @ Nov 17, 2012, 10:30 AM) *

Roze does this song relate to you and your new husband any?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rgje3cLLcCU


I am at a friends, so I haven't gotten to listen to the song! Sorry sad.gif

As for wondering if I made the right decision.. I know I did, I just keep trying and wanting to run away. Every time something happens I just get all distant and I start making plans in the head for how to get out and away until things calm down..

Hes working two jobs right now, morning and night, I see him for sometimes, 20 mins a day.. I talk to him for about that same amount..

Its just hard but we are moving out at the end of Dec. and getting a place of our own, so I know that's going to help I just.. Right now, I don't get to see him, we don't get to talk, we dont have sex, we have nothing at the moment and that bothers me.
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P JayS
post Nov 29, 2012, 10:54 AM
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QUOTE(redroze @ Nov 25, 2012, 01:48 AM) *

QUOTE(P JayS @ Nov 17, 2012, 10:30 AM) *

Roze does this song relate to you and your new husband any?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rgje3cLLcCU


I am at a friends, so I haven't gotten to listen to the song! Sorry sad.gif

As for wondering if I made the right decision.. I know I did, I just keep trying and wanting to run away. Every time something happens I just get all distant and I start making plans in the head for how to get out and away until things calm down..

Hes working two jobs right now, morning and night, I see him for sometimes, 20 mins a day.. I talk to him for about that same amount..

Its just hard but we are moving out at the end of Dec. and getting a place of our own, so I know that's going to help I just.. Right now, I don't get to see him, we don't get to talk, we dont have sex, we have nothing at the moment and that bothers me.

Roze have patience. Many married people do not see each other for lon periods of time. Remember you are playing your part to help the new family financially. Good for you. Please see this as progress in a hard world for married people to get by in.
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Tyler Dur
post Sep 15, 2015, 03:59 AM
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Honestly, not only do you need to have some exercise, but you need to have a positive attitude about everything it is you do. If you don't, then you'll never amount to anything and that's not what you want.
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