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> So, I feel a little weird...
MistaX
post May 20, 2010, 02:33 AM
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I don't really "know" anything about consciousness or the meaning of life, the universe and everything. I have no idea how my brain works other than the fact that it does. I think it does at least.

I'm extremely intimidated by this board.

Anyway, what brings me here is that I believe I reached an "enhanced" state of consciousness by complete accident. I CANNOT get over it.

It was the scariest event I have ever been through. And this includes disastrous car accidents and the like.
The emotions behind it are so indescribable I don't even know how to really put it into words without sounding completely insane... It's like having your own fate in your hands controlled by your next thought, or how long it takes you to remember the thought that caused it in the first place. The closest thing I've read that's comparable seem to be near death experiences. What people describe seems to be similar to how I mentally felt.

I can reproduce these events. I can very easily go back, and think about the same things, and reach the same state.
I am also deathly afraid to do this again.

I've done it three times total. The first was purely on accident. I had no idea what was going on, I had an intense fear of.. my own opinion on my life...or something. I re-evaluated my life, gave myself a speech ending in the sentence: "You aren't ready for this. You will never understand what truly happened tonight. Nor will you remember it" Which, was partly true. I do remember some of what happened, but not enough.
I felt like, afterward, I had set myself up to forget, on purpose.

The second was an attempt to understand what happened, which ended in me completely blowing my mind out of my body. I reached a point where I could process two "thoughts" at a time, and I felt like I had room for 1000 more. It's impossible to explain in words. My mind was like, miles from my body. I felt F**KING incredible. The fact that my mind, went silent for a period of time as well, is what sticks out the most to me. I was in some form of a thought-loop, and when I answered the question correctly, that was the result. I do not remember the questions that made up the loop, or how I even answered it. I just remember the brain-explosion-orgasm I felt and the period of silence afterward.

The third was an experiment, to see if I really could bring myself back to the same state, after gaining a pair of balls and saying "No, this probably won't kill me." I had reached about the same point as the first time, and wound up feeling like I had to explain to someone what was going on in order for me to.. not die or something. I went for a walk because it was suggested that I do. It was rather fantastic. I'm lazy as hell normally, and I'd never even consider walking in the park, let alone find epic enjoyment in it.
This lasted longer than the first two. I spent the entire next day feeling... "lighter" than usual, so to speak.
I also wrote things down. Things that didn't make sense, things way too hard to believe, reading them back two days later. I remember much more of this occurrence than the other two, mostly because I made it a point to try and remember it.

The implications of me being able to do this on a long-term basis are immense, I think? At least to my life, I think quite a bit would change. I think my entire personality would be quite different.

Another interesting point is the fact that all it takes is a little bit of weed to pull this off. By a little bit, I mean I can start to feel it by just being in the same room with people who are smoking. I have to remind myself to focus on something that isn't in my head before it progresses.
To add a little more validity, I smoke in a group of three others on a regular basis. The times that this occurred, I had smoked the exact same stuff as they did. It was not laced. I explained what happened to me, to them, and their answers were more of "I wish I could get as high as you do!"

I've been smoking on and off for years. I know the drug well. I can almost say it's unrelated because it's just the enabler for the thoughts to progress. I can think the same thoughts sober, and.. feel a little closer, but they cannot lead to the destination because I can't focus my thoughts the same way. I typically can't answer the questions "correctly" sober to lead to the same thoughts. But the correct answers just come naturally to me when I smoke.

Is this a curse, or a gift. Am I insane, or am I... not?


I have a huge fear that this will in fact kill me. It's not logical, that fear. But it exists based on what I believe when I'm in that state. I don't quite understand that part. If I felt comfortable with it, I wouldn't be typing this book of a post here. I'm afraid of thinking myself to death? I don't even know how to explain it.

I have been avoiding doing it for several weeks now, but my curiosity is eating away at me. I really do want to do it again... I want to go back to where I was the second time. To experience reality, in that state of mind. Whatever reality is.

My opinions on God. Life. The universe. And everything. Were ENTIRELY different from what I've stood by for nearly my entire life. Everything I had been taught, or taught myself to think, had changed. My logic and my beliefs go out the window and I don't understand why.

I knew something then, that I don't know now.... I think?

I just have no idea what the hell is going on.

There's obviously much more to the experiences than I've written, since I'm condensing 4-5 hours worth of wacky feelings and thoughts into a few sentences.

The goal, I suppose, would be.. well, I think I want comfort. I want to believe that it isn't a negative occurrence.

I don't want someone to tell me I'm schizophrenic.

If I believe that it's a positive experience, and not a negative one, I think I'll have nothing to be afraid of, and I'd be able to truly explore it, fully knowing that it's just an awesome experience.

Why do I even need to ask permission? Why can't I believe that it's positive on my own? Why do I NEED someone to tell me? What gives someone else the right to answer this question? Here we go again...
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Rick
post May 20, 2010, 10:19 AM
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Cannabis is a psychedelic drug, after all, but most people don't get that high on it. It sounds similar to some experiences others have reported on a combination of cannabis and LSD (or other more powerful psychedelic).
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Joesus
post May 21, 2010, 04:08 PM
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QUOTE(MistaX @ May 20, 2010, 10:33 AM) *

I don't really "know" anything about consciousness or the meaning of life, the universe and everything. I have no idea how my brain works other than the fact that it does. I think it does at least.

Perhaps it would be worthwhile to do some investigating and see where it leads you. You can achieve greater states of awareness in the experience of consciousness much more effectively and stabilize the experience without the weed. It is something the body and mind are able to do on their own. Your method gives all credit and power to chance and a placebo.
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lucid_dream
post May 22, 2010, 02:30 AM
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i don't have time to go into my experiences, but would recommend the following: It is unlikely that you will replicate the earlier high you experienced on cannabis by smoking more cannabis. I would expect that the psychedelic component of your highs will diminish the more times you try. This is your brain adapting to the experience and to the drug. The novelty of the first few highs will generally potentiate a psychedelic experience, but it will fall off after that. You need to remain objective. By this, I mean that if you see yourself becoming someone you don't want to be due to repeated drug use, then you need to stop immediately. In your case, I might try one more time to replicate or transcend your earlier experience, and failing this, I would stop.

It also comes down to, what are you trying to achieve through this? What is your purpose? If you can answer that, then you know what needs to be done and will not hesitate.
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MistaX
post Jun 03, 2010, 03:54 AM
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I have since repeated this two more times after writing this post.

After the last, I have much more of an understanding of what's going on.
Because I felt my heart beat in my chest.
And I moved it. And I felt it move...


Possibly the worst/greatest feeling ever.
I effectively scared the shit out of myself.

I still have this overwhelming feeling of fear, that I simply cannot get over. It defies my own (sober) logic. No matter how many times I tell myself "this is all manufactured. None of this is really going on outside your head" Doesn't matter. I wish I could simply just believe everything is fine, I wouldn't be so damn worried about it and could just enjoy it.

So I understand that I have the ability to alter my own perception of my physical.

It's funny, since the 5th time, when it came on, it ran through my mind so fast I don't understand a word I said to myself. And I can just pick up where I left off, so to speak. Like I completely know what's going on.


It's almost like being possessed by someone else, except I know I'm still myself?

I feel like I need to hand myself a questionnaire to fill out, while I'm there.
Except, I don't think I'd be bothered to fill it out, as it seems I have more important objectives to accomplish. I am going to try this though. To write out a series of questions and expect to answer them.


The note I wrote, on the 4th night, is:
"I'm going to write down everything I'm thinking at the same t - memory. memory test"

The T is certainly short for the word "time"

I refused to read it when I wrote it. I handed it to a friend and had him read it to me. He asked at the time what the - meant, and I said "that was when I lost the thought"

Later on that night I said to myself "it's all over, don't worry. That note means everything." I asked myself when to read it, and said "don't worry, you'll know"
I actually refused to read it until the 5th time when I felt like I had to. Which, I read it while in that state and couldn't make sense of it then. I remember being impossibly confused by it. Saying that the form of measurement didn't make sense, and that I was an idiot for writing it like that.

What it means though, is beyond me. My only idea would be that the time I took from start to finish is how long I can hold on to a thought, but that doesn't make sense.
Or maybe it does and I can't fathom the reason why.


There is a huge religious feel to all of this that I'm leaving out of these posts, because I want these posts to reflect the reality and not the mysticism.
But I will say I've been an atheist forever. I'm not anymore, but what I believe is something I cannot yet define.
I could probably answer it in that state.

The highs, besides the first, are equal. There is no change in how I feel, nor how long it lasts. I've varied the amount I smoke and the method I smoke enough to say it's at least 5 hours every single time. The 5th night I didn't cut it short, I just stayed awake until I came down. Going up was equal to hitting a brick wall, coming down was progressive.

I've been smoking for years on and off. This JUST started. So really, I'm not "blaming" or "supporting" the weed. There's still, more to it than that. I hit a vape before all of this, and this didn't happen. If it was going to be the weed alone, it would've happened then. Seriously. I'd love for someone to come up with a counter point to that. How, I can smoke from a vape and "get high" and watch the Hangover and nothing really happens other than that. As opposed to hitting a blunt twice and then ending up in some foreign mental place that makes no sense. I find it rather humorous to say weed is the end all factor.

And more so because I've woken up and realized, I was thinking about it. In my sleep. What the hell is up with THAT? Even on days where I didn't smoke at all, this has happened.

To give a bit more background to myself: Normal guy. Normal job. Normal life goals. Normal everything, in my opinion. This really has had no effect on my life other than me seriously having to trust a few good friends to be there for me. I can still perform all of my responsibilities and I will not let this get in the way of that. I would rather not advertise this, unless of course I can come up with something more tangible. I really can't stand losing arguments. And I don't want to lose to the "so you smoked weed good for you" argument. I'm not trying to be "cool" or anything. It simply happened. I'd love a non-weed induced method. Meditation seems to be the exact opposite, as my mind runs like crazy when this happens, rather than being entirely empty.

This all started out of nowhere, and my curiosity is what keeps driving me to go back and do it again.
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Rick
post Jun 03, 2010, 12:01 PM
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Rastafarians use weed (they call it by the Indian name, ganja) as a religious sacrament. Some other cultures use other psychedelics. I neither advocate nor condemn such use.

Joesus calls such things placebos, and he's somewhat right, in that the spirit (some say it is love) is in you and does not require any drug to unfold. However, annecdotal evidence suggests that a number of people have been aided in their quests at least initially by some psychedelic.
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Hey Hey
post Jun 03, 2010, 04:56 PM
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QUOTE(Rick @ Jun 03, 2010, 09:01 PM) *

Rastafarians use weed (they call it by the Indian name, ganja) as a religious sacrament. Some other cultures use other psychedelics. I neither advocate nor condemn such use.

Joesus calls such things placebos, and he's somewhat right, in that the spirit (some say it is love) is in you and does not require any drug to unfold. However, annecdotal evidence suggests that a number of people have been aided in their quests at least initially by some psychedelic.
Adrenaline can do the highs too. So physical stuff can be both psychostimulatory and physically beneficial.
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MistaX
post Jun 04, 2010, 12:35 AM
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If you want to consider it a placebo, which it very well could be, then I have a very simple question:


What's the trigger?

Mindset?

Other variables I've never thought about considering like what food I ate, how many cigarrettes I've had in the past 24 hours, etc?

If I wanted to do it without it, I wouldn't even know where to start.
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Joesus
post Jun 04, 2010, 03:45 AM
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QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 04, 2010, 08:35 AM) *

If you want to consider it a placebo, which it very well could be, then I have a very simple question:


What's the trigger?

Mindset?

Other variables I've never thought about considering like what food I ate, how many cigarrettes I've had in the past 24 hours, etc?

If I wanted to do it without it, I wouldn't even know where to start.

The trigger is in altering the current state of mind to temporarily breach the veil between the collections of thoughts and memories which the ego compiles into a file called the self and the awareness of awareness itself which is beyond all history connected with memories of past experiences of this lifetime.

I also found that at a certain time in my life I was able to use mind altering substances to bring forth the awareness of consciousness that lay just below the identity of human consciousness or running programs of identification with ideas and experiences of thought taken in from birth. But they became short lived and always I had to be dependent on something and some circumstance to recreate an experience. Since experiences come and go, and they constantly change one becomes aware of the experience and the witness to the experience. While the experiences change the witness does not but instead reveals itself to be stable as well as responsible for creating the experience at deeper levels of thought than the surface thoughts of the ego.

If you were to investigate the spiritual sciences which has a rich history of such events, phenomenon, and philosophies, which lead to practical application of thought to replace the mind altering substance, then you will discover a new you. A you left behind, as you, became attuned to the reality of your parents and the current mores of society as it existed in your youthful programming.

You can always keep the you that you assumed yourself to be, but then as you discover something more expanded and beyond that you, that older part becomes more of a memory or a thought just like your altered experiences when using drugs.
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MistaX
post Jun 04, 2010, 04:49 PM
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Is the method really as important as what goes on while I'm there, though?
I can still consistently do it right now. I did it last night directly after that post.


I documented the exact thought trails that lead, while restricting myself to not letting them proceed (that was, very, very hard, actually) as once I cross a "bridge" so to speak I lose... whatever keeps me grounded. Excuse me for having issues putting it into words that don't sound dumb.

I am more confused by trying to define what's happening, than by what's actually happening at this point.
Since what I wrote down actually makes sense.

It is a "map" of how I get from point A, being my normal self, to point B, crossing the bridge into the altered, and whatever further states, since now I believe I've been through more than one type.

I even explained the illogical fear, in a logical way, and why it is vital to the experience. There is no way to defeat it, as the experience wouldn't occur without it.


I think the result is painfully obvious to myself.
If I go further, and pursue this, I will achieve ego death. Without any doubt.

The question is, do I want to? If I can't imagine what life is like afterward, I can't.. answer that. Call it a fear of the unknown. Though that's believing that I am a "blank canvas" when I'm in that state and I would remain that way. Which I also, cannot say for sure. The only way I would know for sure is to do it.
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Joesus
post Jun 04, 2010, 07:10 PM
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QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:49 AM) *


I think the result is painfully obvious to myself.
You mean it's obvious that you are having an experience.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:49 AM) *
If I go further, and pursue this, I will achieve ego death. Without any doubt.

No, you will achieve an altered state experience, not ego death.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:49 AM) *

The question is, do I want to?

Clearly, if you knew what ego death was you would be able to answer that question. If not and are projecting an idea from your imagination you would ask yourself would I want to.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:49 AM) *
If I can't imagine what life is like afterward, I can't.. answer that.
You can imagine a lot of things but then that is why we call it imagination instead of wisdom or experiential knowledge.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:49 AM) *
Call it a fear of the unknown.
Fear is of the ego.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:49 AM) *
Though that's believing that I am a "blank canvas" when I'm in that state and I would remain that way. Which I also, cannot say for sure. The only way I would know for sure is to do it.

Go for it and then. You may find out whether it frees your mind body and soul completely or if it's just a short lived ride like any other experience attained by a mind altering substance. Timothy Leary died trying as does everyone else who uses drugs to free the mind.

Maybe you'll be different.
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MistaX
post Jun 05, 2010, 03:03 AM
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QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

You mean it's obvious that you are having an experience.

If you'd like.
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

No, you will achieve an altered state experience, not ego death.

The only way to even reach the state is by asking myself why I think the way I think, and then argue my beliefs into oblivion until, on that first night, I reached a point to where I couldn't make a decision because I found my moral beliefs fundamentally different from my own logic on "how things really are" It is a paradox within myself and I ran from the situation by answering with saying "I'm just creative" and that's how I ended up with a static filled mind that couldn't really think of anything at all.

So, is that not what it is? <- note the question mark. I'm asking. If I knew the answers to everything, why would I bother posting to begin with.
The moral route being the ego death and the logic route being my normal self. Or the other way around. I have no real memory of the given situation to even remotely try to explain it beyond this.

If that isn't what it is, simply say so. But I cannot repeat anything without going through the initial evaluation of my personality. Or, "Why am I thinking this way"
It is unavoidable.

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

Clearly, if you knew what ego death was you would be able to answer that question. If not and are projecting an idea from your imagination you would ask yourself would I want to.

You're right. I have no clue what it is. I never admitted I knew the answer to anything. Ever. I never will, either. And yes, I am "projecting an idea" because... well if I didn't then how would I even be able to bring it up. I'm projecting that idea based on some sort of logic I've formed when reading about the topic.

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

Go for it and then. You may find out whether it frees your mind body and soul completely or if it's just a short lived ride like any other experience attained by a mind altering substance. Timothy Leary died trying as does everyone else who uses drugs to free the mind.

Maybe you'll be different.

It either is what I think it is, or it isn't and this is all an illusion.

I'm not trying to redefine the world. I'm not trying to advocate anything. I'm not trying to profit off of anything. I am simply saying, "hey, this is what happened to me, what's going on?"

I would never attempt anything "harder" than weed. There is no further alternative other than a drug free method. It either works like this, or I am not pursuing it. As I already said, if there is an alternate method, I am all for it. I do not know, what alternate methods would work. I have a known working method though.


I have a curiosity as to what the hell "this" is. I came here either to be shot down with the "lol you were high stfu" answer, or supported with the "no, there's something to this" answer.


It's funny, since I still don't really "know" anything and I have to continue to fill in my own blanks. And the problem with filling in my own blanks, is that I have no clue what I'm talking about.
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Joesus
post Jun 05, 2010, 08:52 AM
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QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

You mean it's obvious that you are having an experience.

QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

If you'd like.
I like
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

No, you will achieve an altered state experience, not ego death.

QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

The only way to even reach the state is by asking myself why I think the way I think, and then argue my beliefs into oblivion until, on that first night, I reached a point to where I couldn't make a decision because I found my moral beliefs fundamentally different from my own logic on "how things really are" It is a paradox within myself and I ran from the situation by answering with saying "I'm just creative" and that's how I ended up with a static filled mind that couldn't really think of anything at all.

You're saying the only way to reach this state is to confuse yourself with so many thoughts that you create something like a self hypnotic state of confusion where you zone out....
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

So, is that not what it is? <- note the question mark. I'm asking. If I knew the answers to everything, why would I bother posting to begin with.

Self validation. Ego trying to fit the scenario into some measurable idea within the personal boundaries of thought.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

The moral route being the ego death and the logic route being my normal self. Or the other way around. I have no real memory of the given situation to even remotely try to explain it beyond this.

That may be a clue that the intellect is not being expanded but instead beaten to death
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

If that isn't what it is, simply say so.
If we are talking ego death I already did. If we are talking about something else I believe things are being said but maybe you are arguing these things against your own thoughts leaving you without any answers but still able to project your own opinions.
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *
But I cannot repeat anything without going through the initial evaluation of my personality. Or, "Why am I thinking this way"
It is unavoidable.
How can you repeat anything when you don't retain any direction or process? You said you don't know how you got there or what happened because you have no memory of it.

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

Clearly, if you knew what ego death was you would be able to answer that question. If not and are projecting an idea from your imagination you would ask yourself would I want to.

QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

You're right. I have no clue what it is. I never admitted I knew the answer to anything. Ever.
Obviously you don't remember stating "If I go further, and pursue this, I will achieve ego death. Without any doubt."
QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

I never will, either.
This is your mind on drugs

QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *
And yes, I am "projecting an idea" because... well if I didn't then how would I even be able to bring it up. I'm projecting that idea based on some sort of logic I've formed when reading about the topic.
Believe me it is possible to ask a question with an open mind and without projecting your own answers leaving the mind unavailable to listen to anything but your own mind chatter.

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 04, 2010, 11:10 PM) *

Go for it and then. You may find out whether it frees your mind body and soul completely or if it's just a short lived ride like any other experience attained by a mind altering substance. Timothy Leary died trying as does everyone else who uses drugs to free the mind.

Maybe you'll be different.

QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

It either is what I think it is, or it isn't and this is all an illusion.

I'm not trying to redefine the world. I'm not trying to advocate anything. I'm not trying to profit off of anything. I am simply saying, "hey, this is what happened to me, what's going on?"
While answering your own questions and never really listening to any other voice than that of your conflicted mind.

QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

I would never attempt anything "harder" than weed. There is no further alternative other than a drug free method. It either works like this, or I am not pursuing it. As I already said, if there is an alternate method, I am all for it. I do not know, what alternate methods would work. I have a known working method though.
To what?


QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

I have a curiosity as to what the hell "this" is. I came here either to be shot down with the "lol you were high stfu" answer, or supported with the "no, there's something to this" answer.
If you were getting exactly what you needed how would you know?


QUOTE(MistaX @ Jun 05, 2010, 11:03 AM) *

It's funny, since I still don't really "know" anything and I have to continue to fill in my own blanks. And the problem with filling in my own blanks, is that I have no clue what I'm talking about.
Then maybe you should drop all projections of what you are experiencing where it is taking you and what you are getting from all of this interaction here on this board. If filling in your own blanks isn't getting you anywhere why continue?
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MistaX
post Jun 05, 2010, 10:23 AM
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QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

Self validation. Ego trying to fit the scenario into some measurable idea within the personal boundaries of thought.

Fair enough.
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

That may be a clue that the intellect is not being expanded but instead beaten to death

That's possible too.
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

If we are talking about something else I believe things are being said but maybe you are arguing these things against your own thoughts leaving you without any answers but still able to project your own opinions.

Huh? This statement is... ?

What something else? What things?
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *
How can you repeat anything when you don't retain any direction or process? You said you don't know how you got there or what happened because you have no memory of it.

I wrote down the progression last time. I made an honest effort to make sense of everything. I can remember more of what happens when I'm there, when I'm there. Because I cannot reproduce anything similar without *being* there, I forget it rather easily.
I'm saying that I repeat the same topics of thoughts rather than the exact same thoughts. There is a set format/time frame, the exact topics are different but they fall within a larger, predictable theme, if you will.
I do not remember the exact thoughts, but if the same theme repeats and I've done it by mistake already, who's to say I won't follow that path again?
The easiest counter point is that I've ruined the innocence of the experience and that I will forever go into it knowing somewhat of the outcome, and it can never be reproduced again. But at the same time, once I'm too far into it I forget how I get there in the first place.
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *
Obviously you don't remember stating "If I go further, and pursue this, I will achieve ego death. Without any doubt."

Sure I do. And you said that wasn't what it was. I was saying it to myself, and you have an opinion, based on more fact than I know. You do realize I am listening to you, right?
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

This is your mind on drugs

That was more of a joke than anything else. I think you know that.

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *
Believe me it is possible to ask a question with an open mind and without projecting your own answers leaving the mind unavailable to listen to anything but your own mind chatter.

Alright, then how do I go about that? This is probably the most meaningful statement I've read so far.

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

While answering your own questions and never really listening to any other voice than that of your conflicted mind

Because I have no one telling me the difference between "right" and "wrong" other than well, you, at this point. And you seem to be talking down to me by now. Which is actually the easiest way to get me to listen to you, so I'm all for it.
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *
To what?

To... do whatever it is that this is. A method to this experience.
QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

If you were getting exactly what you needed how would you know?

Good question. How would I know exactly what I needed?

QUOTE(Joesus @ Jun 05, 2010, 12:52 PM) *

Then maybe you should drop all projections of what you are experiencing where it is taking you and what you are getting from all of this interaction here on this board. If filling in your own blanks isn't getting you anywhere why continue?

I'm not sure what to say to that. I mean, I've gone about this whole thing trying to make sense out of it, trying to explain exactly what happens, to myself, and to others. To start treating like some sort of an experiment where I can find a "positive" use for it. It has thrown me into a ton of research on topics I've never known anything about.
If I knew the questions, I'd have an easier time finding the answers.

I think it is all spectacularly interesting. Not the metaphysics, but that this happens at all. I still don't really know what "this" is. The experience itself, we have defined as an experience. An experience of what?

I'd rather not continue to answer my own questions and come to my own conclusions. At the same time, there's no one to bear witness to the event but myself.
So how can I defeat myself? I cannot teach myself about what's going on without applying how I see things against an outsider's opinion. I don't know where, or how, to start.
I'd directly ask you for a bunch of links that are relevant reading, but considering on every other forum where I actually know about the topics, I hate spoon feeding people information. I'd bet you feel the same way.

I am here to learn, as much as I'm going to have a hard time doing that. I might be making a fool of myself now, but maybe one day I won't be.
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Rick
post Jun 08, 2010, 04:08 PM
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For some introductory reading, try these links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychedelic_experience

http://www.erowid.org/psychoactives/faqs/p...ience_faq.shtml
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